Into This Night I Wander
by detective-sweetheart
Summary: Olivia's point of view, when she loses someone.


INTO THIS NIGHT I WANDER

Disclaimer: I don't own SVU, nor an SUV.

A/N: Oh, and thanks to Marshmellowluvr for editing this mess...it would totally suck without her....'

It feels like I'm falling...falling too fast to

reach out and grab a hold of something in order to

stop myself. I'm afraid to open my eyes, for fear of

what I know I will see. Around me, I can hear voices.

Some of them I recognize, and some of them I don't. My

world seems to be spinning out of control, and it's

all because of a single bullet. I guess I never really

thought something like this could ever happen to my

partner and me. But now I know how completely wrong I

was. It's past midnight, and I'm sitting in the squad

room, leaning back in my chair, and watching the rain

as it falls. It lashes angrily against the windows,

reflecting perfectly the mood that I'm in. How could

my partner do this to me? How could he just leave me

hanging like this? I know it isn't his fault, but I

can't help but blame him for it. He's the one with a

family, a wife and four children waiting at home in

Queens. They have no idea about this, because it just

happened. I was there, and so were Munch and

Fin...though they were a lot calmer than I was. In

fact, the two of them threatened to get a doctor to

give me a sedative if I didn't calm down. But how

could I calm down? My partner's blood soaked the front

of my clothes, and I knew somehow that he wasn't going

to make it. He was still in surgery when I came back

to the squad room, just to escape all of the

frustrations. I made John swear that he'd call the

minute they got news of his condition. The last thing

I expected was to answer my cell phone, to hear him

choked up on the other side, telling me that my

partner's time of death had been declared at 2:22 this

morning. He told me that he and Fin were on their way

to Queens, to let his family know about it. I answered

in a dead monotone, telling him that it was ok, that

yes, I'd be fine, no, I didn't need him and Fin to

return to the squad room. The minute I hung up, I

started hyperventilating. And then the tears came, a

never-ending stream down my face. They fell onto the

paperwork, but I ignored it. Paperwork didn't mean a

thing to me right now. I looked over at the desk

across from me. It was a mess. There were manila

folders filled with things that we'd been going over

just that day for our latest case. There were pictures

of his family...the same ones he'd had on his desk

ever since I became his partner, and new ones. I

closed my eyes and instantly wished I hadn't...I could

see him there, from earlier that day, laughing at

something that I'd just said to Fin. When I opened my

eyes, I found myself once more facing the harsh

reality that he was no longer there. And at that

moment, there wasn't anything in the world that I

wanted to forget more than that.

In a way, I was glad that I wasn't out with Munch and

Fin. Thought I had been Elliot's partner, I had no

desires to go and let his wife know that he had been

killed in a shootout. I didn't want to see the look on

her face; didn't want to see the tears that I knew

would be welling up in her eyes. I know it was

selfish...but at the time, the only thoughts I had

were that she'd had him for a lot longer than I had.

It just made me feel worse, and I started crying

harder, trying desperately to forget the events of

just a few hours ago. It was impossible. I closed my

eyes once more and found that I was back outside, in

the rain, desperate in my attempts to stop my

partner's bleeding. I knew somehow that he wasn't

going to make it, and yet when he asked, I told him

that it would be just fine, that everything would be

ok. And he'd trusted me. He'd let me try to save him,

and I had lied to him. It was when he started slipping

in and out of consciousness that he grabbed my hand,

and when I looked down at him, I could tell that he

was trying not to cry. He asked me to make sure that

someone would always be there to take care of and

watch over his family. So I told him that I would. At

least that hadn't been a lie. Munch and Fin showed up

just as he lost consciousness completely, just as the

ambulance arrived to take him away. The paramedics

luckily didn't raise any issues when I told them that

under no circumstances would I let him go without me.

But the minute we got to the hospital, he was whisked

away into surgery. Not too long after that, Munch and

Fin both walked in, and when they saw me, tried to get

me to let someone take a look at me, but I refused,

planting myself in a orange plastic waiting room

chair, and telling them that under no circumstances

would I move. They just exchanged glances, and said

that they had contacted Cassidy and Jeffries...Brian

and Monique. I knew then that even they knew that he

wouldn't make it. They asked what had been said before

they arrived, and I told them. Monique and Brian

walked in just as I was finishing, both of them

breathless, saying they'd come as fast as they could.

I was glad that my fellow detectives were there,

though Brian was now in Narcotics and Monique in Vice.

But even so, I wanted to be alone. Tucking my knees to

my chest, I refused to look at any of them. That was

when I started to get more than upset; when Munch and

Fin threatened me with sedatives. I left then. And the

next thing I knew, I was back in the squad room...and

Munch was calling to say that Elliot was gone.

They're all back in the squad room with me, talking

in hushed voices. I wish they would just let me know

what they're really feeling. They don't need to hide

anything from me, all of us have known each other for

a long while. According to Munch and Fin, Kathy seemed

to take the news of her husband's death fairly well,

but I know better. It's Saturday morning, around 4:42

now. Maureen, Kathleen, Elizabeth and Dickie were

probably all awake and waiting. Elliot had told me

that he'd promised them he'd come home and take them

to do something. They must have started getting

worried when he didn't call and tell them that plans

had changed....that maybe they'd do something on

Sunday. And if they'd tried to call the squad room,

none of us knew about it. Then again, if they'd called

within the time vicinity of 11:45 and 12:45, none of

us were there to hear it. If Munch and Fin think that

Kathy took it well, then they are sorely mistaken. If

the kids really were awake, as I suspect they were,

she was just trying to hide her true emotions from

them...just like everyone's trying to hide them from

me right now. It's driving me insane. Do they think

that just because I was Elliot's partner that I can't

handle hearing what they have to say? Right now, more

than anything else in the world, I want to be treated

normally, not like the victims we come across every

day. Thunder can be heard outside, and I just saw a

flash of lightning, so I know that the weather is

worsening. It's still reflecting my mood perfectly.

None of the others seem to notice. I know that I need

someone right now, but I don't want to talk to them.

For once, John isn't being sarcastic and he isn't

spouting off his conspiracy theories. Fin's not

telling us some story about the streets that he

learned while he was in Narcotics. Brian's not so much

of a rookie anymore, but he looks completely lost,

just like he used to sometimes when he still worked

with us. Monique seems to be handling things well, but

the rest of us can tell she's just as upset as we are.

Quite honestly, all of this scares the living

daylights out of me. I wish things were normal right

now, as if Elliot were still here in the squad room

with us, trying not to fall asleep at his desk. But

things will never be normal again. In a few days, I'll

have another partner...one that will definitely be no

Elliot Stabler.

I find myself walking out of the squad room, amidst

the stares of the others. I know they want to know

where I'm going, but I can't tell them. Well...I

could, but I don't want to. This is something that I

need to do on my own, and I truly don't think that

they would ever understand. Then again, they might. If

one of them follows me down this hallway, I know full

well I'm going to have to tell them where I'm going

and what I'm going to do, and I can't do that. The

rain drenches me completely as I walk completely out

of the precinct, but I don't care. I jump slightly as

I hear thunder cracking in the distance. Lightning

flashes and I continue walking until I reach my

apartment, where I quickly change into dry clothes. I

sit in my living room in silence for a long while,

arguing with myself. One side of me says that I should

go and see Kathy Stabler, to let her know that the

unit would always be there for her and the kids...but

the other side says that I should leave well enough

alone. Some things aren't that hard to read, they're

just like an open book. And I know full well that she

thought Elliot was fooling around with me, though

there is definitely no truth to that rumor. If I go

there, I'm probably just going to be setting myself up

for failure. I want to talk to her, to tell her all of

the things that he told me...how much he hated working

late hours, how much he wished he could just stop

working in order to stay home with the kids. I know

all of those things, but she doesn't. When he told me

all of it, I asked if he'd ever said anything like

that to her, and he told me that he never had. If

anyone deserves to know that sort of thing, it's

Kathy...not me. I was just his partner, not his wife.

Thunder crashes again, and I find that I have risen to

my feet. I walk towards the front door, with something

akin to dread settling over me. It's not exactly dread

though...it's more like hesitation. I don't know who

will answer the door when I get to where I'm going; I

don't even know if they'll be home, but it's worth a

shot...at least to me. I know that if I don't get all

of this out of me tonight, it's going to bother me

until I do. The other detectives would probably say I

should wait for a while, to let the family have time

to sort things out, but I can't do that. They might

have been his family...but he was my family...the only

real figure I'd ever had to truly count on to be there

when I needed him.

I'm ringing the doorbell to a home that's all too

familiar before I know it, trying to control the

heated tears welling up in my eyes. It isn't going to

work. I thought that I had cried myself out in the

hospital waiting room, and in the squad room, but I

guess that I was wrong. For some reason, there are

always more tears when you least expect them,

especially after you've just lost someone that you

were close to. I don't remember crying this much a few

years back when the captain told me that my mother had

died. But then again, I wasn't exactly close to her.

Sure, I cried a little bit...but not like this. I can

hear footsteps on the other side, coming towards the

door...the lock turns and I find myself eye to eye

with Kathleen. Her eyes are red-rimmed and her face

tearstained...which only serves to confirm my

suspicions. She and her siblings had been awake when

Munch and Fin had come to their door with news of

their father's death. She asks what I'm doing there,

and I tell her that I've come to see her mother. At

that moment, the twins appear, staring at me intently,

wondering why I'd even bother to come. Elizabeth opens

her mouth to ask what Kathleen had asked just a few

seconds ago, but Dickie shakes his head at her and she

says nothing as the three of them move to admit me

inside. It's warm, just like I remember it being from

the first time I came here, but even if I hadn't ever

been there before, even if I hadn't known Elliot

before, I'd have been able to tell that something was

missing. Kathleen tells me that Maureen cried herself

to sleep about an hour ago; that the twins have been

awake all night, refusing to go to sleep, and that she

herself has only managed to stay awake on a rather

large quantity of coffee. Elizabeth tells me that

their mother is upstairs, locked in her bedroom, and

that she hasn't come out since Munch and Fin left. She

runs off as soon as she gives this information,

presumably to her room, and Dickie follows soon after.

Kathleen and I exchange silent glances. She seems to

understand somehow what I'm feeling, though she says

nothing.

The two of us hear footsteps on the stairs, and turn

to find Maureen standing there, her eyes narrowed in

suspicion. She lashes out at me verbally, asking why

it couldn't have been me declared dead at 2:22, why I

couldn't have been the one to get shot. Kathleen opens

her mouth to retort angrily, about to insist that none

of it was my fault, but before she can say anything,

I've lost it. I yell back at Maureen that I wish more

than anything that it had been me lying there on the

sidewalk, bleeding out. I tell her that if I could go

back in time, I'd have pushed him out of the way and

taken the bullet myself...I tell her that the other

detectives would have been the only ones to miss me

because I have no other family. I tell her that with

one bullet, someone managed to take away the only

person I'd ever truly counted on in this world, and by

the time I tell her this, I'm sobbing uncontrollably,

my words somewhat incoherent, but Maureen seemed to

understand what I was telling her. From the look on

her face, she didn't like any of it either, and was

about to say something else when Kathleen cut her off,

irritation and annoyance clearly evident in her voice.

Maureen walks off, and Kathleen scowls after her,

swearing angrily under her breath. She turns to face

me, the look on her face apologetic, and she opens her

mouth to apologize for what her older sister has said,

but I tell her not to worry about it. A look of relief

washes over her features, but not for long. She tells

me to follow her upstairs, so I can talk to Kathy, but

at the bottom of the stairs, I hesitate. This is what

I came here for, and I know it, but now I find myself

wanting to bolt right out the front door without

looking back. I find that my mouth is suddenly dry,

that I have no idea what on earth I'm supposed to say

to her. I can see the twins standing in the doorway of

Elizabeth's bedroom; and I know they heard the furious

dialogue that Maureen and I exchanged. They say

nothing though, and as Kathleen and I walk past them,

they retreat back inside, closing the door quickly

behind them.

Kathleen knocks on her parents' bedroom door, and it

opens slowly. Kathy stands there, looking first at her

second daughter, and then at me, before demanding to

know what I've come for. Kathleen leaves, obviously

not wanting to be the witness to another argument, but

I have no intentions of yelling at the woman I know my

partner has loved for most of his life. Elizabeth's

bedroom door opens again, once it's determined that

there will be no yelling, but the twins aren't

standing there in the doorway this time. Kathy asks

again what I think I'm doing here, and I tell her

everything, rarely pausing to catch my breath. I just

want to get this over with as soon as possible; I

don't want to have to prolong this any more than I

have to. It already hurts enough knowing that for all

the training I'd gone through, for all the situations

like this that I've been in, in this particular

situation, I froze, and the cost was someone's life.

She stares at me for a while, about five minutes after

I finish telling her everything that I thought she

should know. She asks me exactly what happened...how

Elliot was killed, and it's then that I start choking

up again, wanting to tell her, but unable to find the

words with which to do so. I'm completely lost, and I

know it. There isn't much I can do about it though.

Finally, I find the words to tell her what I know she

so desperately wants to know, and by the time I'm

finished, we're both crying again. She asks me if I'm

going to be all right, and I tell her that I will be.

Munch and Fin would probably both protest, claiming

that I'm lying. But I'm not. Sooner or later, I know

I'm going to be just fine, with or without my partner.

True, things would be better if he were here...but at

least I didn't lose John or Fin. They're still here

with me. I know they're going to be watching me for

the next couple of months, to make sure I don't do any

thing stupid, to make sure I don't fall. For that

matter, Brian and Monique will be doing the same. I'd

always thought that the Special Victims Unit was like

a family, and now I knew for sure that it was true.

All of this in just a few hours...my mind feels like

it's on overload, but I know that it's not. There are

few thoughts running through my head right now...ones

that I can't decipher, and I'm not going to try. The

funeral service will be held in a few days...and I

know that I'll be there. Elliot was my partner, for

God's sakes...it's the least I can do. That, and keep

the promise I made as he lay there dying in my arms.

As far as I'm concerned, I'll always be there to watch

over his family, and I'd hope that Munch and Fin would

aid me in that task. I have no doubts that they will.

They might not have been as close to him as I was, but

they were still his friends. I know that sooner or

later, all of us will get over the initial shock, but

that the pain will still be there. I'm outside

again...it's still raining, but not as heavily as it

was before. I take it as a sign that he's watching

everything...from wherever he happens to be. Maybe he

is, and maybe he isn't. I don't know. But if he is,

he'd better damn well know that he's left a lot of

people behind...a lot of people who are going to miss

him for every minute of the rest of our lives. And

he'd better know that no matter what, no one can take

his place in the unit...it'll always be open. I find

myself at home before I know it, somewhat at peace

with myself, though I know everything's going to start

over again the day the service is held. I can only

hope the weather will be nothing like this. A light is

on inside, and when I get there, I can find the others

waiting for me, with open arms.


End file.
